I hate buying underwear. I hate even being in that section of the store. You know–the section filled with bras, panties, and an assortment of lingerie.
Buying underwear is definitely a “do it yourself” project. My husband won’t even look in the direction for fear of being labeled a “pervert.” But my three-year old son doesn’t care. Poor kid has no idea what a bra is. So he’s holding them up, making a study of them, bringing me handfulls which I have to put back, and playing “hide and seek” behind the racks.
Completely flustered, I grab a few likely bras and cross through two sections of clothing, where I try to hide the cup size from any would be perverts (I’m starting to see why my husband refuses to come with me.)
Taking a firm grip on my three-year old’s hand, I head to the changing rooms. I triple check the lock to make sure it’s closed and then strip down to my skin. Of course, the usual questions come from my son. “What’s that?” “Mommy, are those your boobs?”
“Shhhh!” I say. I grab my cell phone and hand it to him. “Here, play with this.”
He busies himself with the phone while I prepare to try on another of the bras. He seems pretty enraptured by the phone, and I’m pleased with my cleverness.
Reaching for the third and final bra, I realize he’s being awful quiet. I look at the little built in bench. Empty. I glance down just in time to see his little foot disappear under the door. Frantically, I call, “Come back here.”
“Mommy,” he teases me.
Grabbing my shirt, I yank it on and and furiously work the buttons, not really caring if they align right or not. I jerk open the door just as he opens the door to another changing room.
“Oh my goodness!” A woman cries.
He smiles, as he always does when he knows he’s in trouble, and shuts the door. Mortified, I grab my son and steer him back into the changing room. I’m tempted to tie him up with my purse straps, but I suppress the urge.
Changing back into my own clothes, I abandon the bras in a heap and leave the store faster than any shoplifter.
I’m not sure I’ll ever go back.
I think I’ll the rest of my bra’s online.